There were hot spots on my bone scan.
Hot spots are places where the radioactive dye injected during a nuclear bone scan has been absorbed at a greater level than it would be by healthy normal bone.
They’re in my hips and shoulders, so, either there is bone erosion from a particularly aggressive form of arthritis, or, there is bone cancer in those joints. Either way I’m staring down the barrel of chemotherapy.
I’m waiting now, for an MRI to give the doctors a better picture of what exactly is going wrong. It’s at least two weeks until they do the scan, that makes me laugh, two weeks, two fucking weeks, and then another two weeks before they’ve finished analysis of the data and have the time to see me again, four FUCKING weeks of me wondering – how quickly am I dying?
So, I’m drunk right now. And high on prescription pain killers.
I know what I NEED to do – write a will, clean my apartment, live the things I’ve left undone until now believing that I had more time.
And I know what I WANT to do – get illegally, utterly, mindlessly high and fuck and feel and love and break and dance and and and…
But all I am doing is getting wasted and singing songs I’ve sung before to my computer, to my cat, to my poor beleaguered neighbors. Putting all the feelings that I’m feeling into other peoples words and praying for alcohol to provide an unconscious temporary respite.
Cancer. The C-word that is not the C-word that I grew up being told not to say. And if it’s there, then it’s in multiple major joints, hips and shoulders. I told my doctor that I wouldn’t live as a quadruple amputee, that I would rather die. Sane and informed, that death would be my preference to that, that if I had that surgery I would wake up screaming every day/night. Of course it’s just a possibility, it’s not a certainty, but, my primary care physician is a lot more pragmatic than my Rheumatologist and her prognosis was far more bleak. She thinks I’m dying. I feel like I’m dying.
I feel strangely at peace with the idea – I just want to know.
Am I dying?
I feel like they ought to be able to expedite an answer to that question, four goddamn fucking weeks. Hahahahaha.